“…with words that pierce the dark with light” – Lauren Daigle

OMG had a total God moment tonight.  One of those times that I feel is evidence of intelligent design.

Tyler and I were on a time crunch, and picking up food for me.  I ordered from a mexican restaurant on the phone.  Their website was down, so I wasn’t able to use a menu.  I ordered generically on the phone, simply picking each detail of what I wanted in 2 steak tacos.  The girl was really patient and even let a normally-costing thing be free for me.  So Tyler and I drove to the place then, just a few minutes away.

I told the guy at the counter that I could pay now (they normally wait until your food is brought to you).  I had $11 cash, and more in my bank account.  The total was 11-something.  I looked at the money I had, and started to grab my debit card.  The guy said not to worry about the change, and just accepted the cash I had.  Sweet!

He headed to the kitchen to check on my order, then came back and started writing up a new kitchen ticket for some reason, asking me about what I ordered.  I gave vague detail since I’d already placed the order.  He then asked about the fact that I said I’d ordered already.  I was like… yeah, a girl on the phone helped me.  He went back to the kitchen, and I assumed he was going to track down the original ticket.

Then it dawned on me that I’d actually called a different restaurant.  I quickly ran out to let Tyler know that I’d called the wrong place and that it would be another minute.

I went back in and waited at the counter for a minute or two, before it occurred to me that they might try to make the food without coming back out to question me again.  I ran to the kitchen and began explaining the situation, starting with an apology, and ending with asking for my money back.  He informed me they’d already began making the food, though.

It wasn’t surprising to me that he basically said then, Take this food.  With a smile, gently, and I understood the gesture.

I did not expect it to escalate from there.

I explained that I have to go pay the other place, and that I’m sorry but I do need my money back, for it had been a misunderstanding.  To my surprise, he basically told me again that No, I am to take this food.

I hadn’t even told him the complete order when we’d spoken 2 minutes ago… it wasn’t my fault that he had jumped the gun.  But I didn’t bother mentioning that menial detail.  It didn’t really matter.  It was a busy night at the restaurant: Tables and booths were full, a bunch of waiters and kitchen people were standing there staring at us, and it was time for me to leave.

Unfortunately- but not way too badly- I went straight to last resort.  I went on a bit of rant until he began walking back to the cash register with his head down and a pissed-off look on his face.  “No, this was a big misunderstanding, I told you I’d already ordered, and I have to go pay them!”

“I’m not paying $20 to go to 2 places, I need my money back!”

“I promise, I come here all the time, I always tip like 10 bucks, I’m not trying to screw you!”  Petty, yes.  I was desperate to get this guy’s understanding.  Making it worse every second, I know.

Our shared walk through the crowd, now including bar-dwellers and people waiting to pay and people waiting to be seated that are standing all around the register, was heated with all those words and his silent but boiling resignation.

Money was taken from the register and handed to me, the $11.  I thanked him and left one of the dollars on the counter.  It was one last tactic to prove I had not meant to cause trouble.

I found that ironic, because I was pretty sure the total at the other restaurant was $10-something, and now I was going to be short on cash in the same fashion at this next place, too.  Nothing I was upset about, just something interesting I noticed.

Tyler and I then drove to the other restaurant.  The girl at the counter was clearly the one who had taken my order.  She was being genuinely friendly, but you could tell tonight’s shift had been hard on her.  I decided she would get the ten-dollar bill in my hand.  She’d been super patient on the phone, went through a really hard time, and then was still being kind.

Once it was my turn, it became apparent that my money total had not been recorded.  At this point I wonder if I’d actually been given one in the first place.  Minor detail.

She remained friendly, but her face screwed a little as she pondered how to ring up my order, since it wasn’t exactly on the menu.  I kept my 10 in hand, ready to hand over as soon as the food would come out, and paid with the debit card.

As I signed the credit slip, an interesting conversation took place between her and a worker that came up to her with a bunch of cash.  She told him, “I need tens.”

I was stunned.

He asked her something like, “You do?”  (As in, how much demand is there for them?)

She said, “Yeah.  I have one.”

Then I was double-stunned.






Did that really just happen?  I didn’t even ask myself that question.  I knew immediately that I was meant to be there at that moment.

My entire body felt supernatural.  A very strong feeling of knowing that this is what I mean when I say God speaks to us!!  It’s not always hearing words in your mind- in fact, that’s probably the least common type.

3 days ago (below) when I said that I heard “Repent” in my mind, was an extremely rare occurrence for me.  It’s only happened, at most, a few times in my life, and can be easily be written off as just something in my own mind.

But experiences like tonight’s, when something happens in “real time” with “real people,” are the type that make me go, THAT’S God speaking to me, and gives me another reason to believe something higher is at hand than earth here!

Once the other worker was gone and we were just standing there waiting for someone to bring out the food, I asked her if it had been crazy there tonight.  She said it really had been, and some people weren’t very nice.

With that statement, I was even happier that I would be tipping her this 10.  I kept it held out as we talked further, and she glanced at it now and then, surely wondering why I was holding it out, having paid already, and with a card…

I explained what happened at the other restaurant.  I wanted her to understand the true meaning of my tip, the bigger picture than what she’d been through tonight.

She didn’t appear to exactly appreciate my story, and I felt bad bringing her this upsetting story after she said customers had been rude.  After all, she hadn’t seen what I had gone through either, and could easily assume that I just fit in with all the people who gave her a hard time tonight.  I understood it.  But I knew she’d ponder the situation later and figure it out, and wasn’t yet aware of my tip, so I stuck with it.

On the last word of my story, the food came out, God’s perfect timing.  No time for her to react to me, and we all know that customer-hostess conversations only last as long as they have to, so it was good to end without expectation of a reaction.  It was perfect for both of us.

There’s a little more to the story- what happened after I left- but this is all I have time for tonight.  I thanked her and left the 10.


Forced to face

Minor car accidents are one of those things that, when they happen to you, your plans for the day and beyond are stopped short all of a sudden.

You have the initial shock, making sure everyone’s okay.

Then you call the cops out so they can do their job, and possibly an ambulance and tow truck.

Once the accident itself is handled, and everyone has gone their separate ways from the site of the accident, you each have your own aftermath to tackle.

I’ve been in A LOT of car accidents.  Many of them were my fault, but many of them were not.  The one I was in today was my fault.

Usually I am shaken after an accident, especially ones that I caused.  But this time, I have gotten so used to dealing with them, that I didn’t get all shaky.

Also, something is really different this time, and I’m glad to see it.  This time I had the knowledge of God in me.  I didn’t let worries about money or insurance go far at all, and I didn’t hate myself for what I’d done.  I did not embellish more than one or two thoughts related to how it could have been avoided, what different choices I could have made.

Because this time, I was aware that the accident itself was not the lesson.  The aftermath would be, and I knew it.

I could “hear” God telling me: Hey.  Slow down.

The accident wasn’t caused by having driven too fast.   I was hardly moving when it happened.  It’s that I’m hasty in my life in general.

I have zero patience for people who use “a lot of words” to convey simple meanings.

I have zero patience for people who drive or walk slower than me.

I have zero patience for much of anything.  It usually feels forced when I’m patient about something.

I have neglected what’s most important to me, in order to keep up with earth’s bullshit demands.

As in, I have hardly written in my notebook lately.  I always feel overwhelmed with objects and obligations.

I have not put God at the forefront, though I think of him often.  And present a good image of God to the people I’m close to.  But God knows the truth, and he had to hit me with it.

I had thought the worst was over.  I’ve been suffering for over a week because of a staph infection, which I had a horrible allergic reaction to the antibiotics I took to treat it.  My fiancee’s mom had heart surgery yesterday.  And my fiancee severely burned his hand last week.  And in the midst of all that chaos, things were crazy at work.  I normally have lots of downtime there, but I couldn’t keep up.

So we were finally past the worst of it all by today, or so I thought, because the car accident happened today.

I hadn’t really been hearing God.  He tried all week to get me to stop and look around, but I ignored him, thinking I’d just weather the storm and get back on top once the earthly disappointments had passed.  So BAM, I am now without a car and FORCED to slow down and really look at what I’m doing.

I was laying in bed, just waiting for my fiancee (Tyler) to come home and handle all this with me.  But then I realized I didn’t wanna live like that.  I sat up for a second and then buried my face in my hands, and heard just one word in my head: “Repent.”

So I did.  I knew just what to say.  “God, I’m so sorry that I’ve been hasty.”

I was really lucky.  I have a little Honda coupe, and was rammed on the front left corner by a sizable SUV.  Hit my head on the window but nothing major.  God took my car away temporarily, but he saved my body.  I have the luxury of mulling all this over without the complications of physical impairment.  When I’m finally over the infection and allergic reaction.  I’m in a good place to assess everything… if I’d only known a car accident was to follow, perhaps I would have done this sooner, in spite of my discomfort, but my time is now.

We cannot wait for the perfect moment to evaluate what we’re doing on a moment-to-moment basis.  All time is God’s time.

It’s like when someone once told Jesus, “I want to follow you, but I have to bury my father first,” and  Jesus told him, “Let the dead bury the dead.”

It sounds so callous and wrong for him to have said that to the guy, but what we have to keep in mind is that Jesus was God- which means he didn’t take the man at face value like you or I would.  Jesus knew the man’s heart before he even spoke.  Jesus knew he would have used another reason to not follow him at that moment if it weren’t for his dad’s funeral anyway.  Thus, his seemingly unkind response.

My takeaway from that story today is: Am I going to dig the hole deeper, or will I embrace the gospel better than before?  Am I going to pretend things must be squared away before I can do what’s best, or am I going to choose what’s best FIRST?

God, I believe in the gospel no matter what.  The principles are true and they bring light to the world when executed.  The more I get into this, the more I see both sides- why not to believe, and why I’m yet more convinced that Jesus is who they say he is.

God, thank you for reminding me of what I was still able to come home to after the accident.  Thank you for helping me figure out why something felt missing.  Thank you for making it clear that I CAN and MUST slow down in order to truly breathe you in.  Thank you for giving me a huge opportunity- a huge fucking neon sign- to draw closer to you and listen.

Enough is enough

I cannot continue to deny the truth, though I’m pretty sure I will be doing just that for some more time.

Money is not what we need, and Jesus proved that.  He also was very clear about the fact that we must accept people who think that money is important.  That doesn’t mean we should participate, however, even though it’s the popular thing to do.

Our society is brainwashed into thinking we have to earn money.  But it doesn’t measure real value or any person’s worth.  The numbers come out of thin air.

The solution is to not worry about money, as Jesus directed.  Though you may end up homeless, hungry, or disliked, it’s no matter- God’s word says so.  But how many of us follow this?  Everyone I know either has a home, or asks for handouts, yet Jesus had no home of his own and he never asked for donations, only accepted what was offered him.  He fully trusted God and said we should do the same.

Again, how many of us follow this?  NO ONE THAT I KNOW.

Would it work?  I feel the reason Christians do not try is because they don’t actually have faith that they will be happy with the results.  They deny one of God’s most important lessons.  I use that blanket statement about self-proclaimed Christians because I don’t know of a single person, Christian or otherwise, that actually lives by these principles.  But since Christians strive to follow Jesus, I’m calling you out, in order to grab your attention.

We don’t trust God.  We look to money management as a means for determining what we can get.  Moreover, we want our fortunes as we see them to be- acquiring money and material possessions- rather than God’s pure blessings.  We discount the incredible value of pure blessings, it’s never enough.  We are willing to sacrifice important things every day in order to attend to jobs that will replace us if we leave.  God will never replace your soul, you are irreplaceable in his eyes.  That’s the message of pure love.

Working for the sake of earning a paycheck is NOT love.  The employer is saying, I will only help you pay rent and eat food if you spend most of your time doing as I say.  And the employee is saying, I will only spend most of my time with you if you give me something to use when you’re not around.

We are hardly aware of this truth.  We are blind to our own misunderstandings.  But if you really look at what Jesus says, and genuinely pore over each statement, you won’t be able to miss the fact that money is worthless to God, and you won’t be able to lie about the fact that your ways are not Jesus’s ways.

When will we embrace the gospel and stop using money?  It could mean losing your spouse.  It could mean losing your house, car, and easy access to food.  It would mean possibly going hungry while looking for a place to sleep.  It means obvious discomfort, at least at first, or at least eventually, depending when you are blessed with the things you need to survive.

The deeper I dig, the closer I get to the edge.  I just can’t keep living this lie, now that I am seeing it even more fully than ever.  I’m building the confidence and knowledge I need in order to carry this out.  It’s a good thing I don’t have children, because this would be much harder to consider if I did.  Another blessing that I must not take for granted: God setting me up for this mission.

The only thing I fear is my death amounting to nothing.  If I just died from starvation or something else that’s terrible and my community were sad, but others never hear about it or it becomes just a passing story, it’s like it would be in vain, and that is something I have no control over, or should even care about!  Once again, we are vain and we don’t trust God to cover us.  We don’t trust love.  But maybe I’m finding ways to make a big change and really let love shine through.

Our familiar survival tactics are hard to give up.  God says they’re really not.  We’re fooled into thinking it’s hard.  No one steps up to God’s word when it comes to money.  Will we?  Will I?  God, I pray that I will continue to receive wisdom that guides me in the correct direction.  Thank you for filling me with your word and promise.  I wish I could say I am sorry that I’m not already giving it all up.  If I were, I would change it right this second.  I can at least be honest with you.  God, just watch, please give me a little time, I’m not leaving.

Interesting plateau

It often feels we’re on the brink of something.  At least I cannot imagine that I’m alone in feeling this!  Whether good or bad, or however long we think something might take to fully transpire, it always seems like something’s cooking behind the scenes, getting ready to take us by surprise.

Namely, WAR is on the forefront of many of our minds.  It’s going on everywhere outside the USA it seems like, so when’s it gonna hit here?  When is our protective bubble going to be popped on more than a regional scale?

Will all people ever realize it is ONE PLACE and that the only salvation is Love itself?

God, if you are anything that exists, you most surely are love.

Everyone ultimately strives for love.  No matter how twisted each approach is.  Everyone just wants what enables them to survive and thrive.  Therefore, love is the highest calling.  and it can be so hard for even the most peace-loving person to give or receive sometimes.

Even knowing that it’s always best to embrace, our fear can drive us to kill the killer- saving bodies, but further wounding everyone’s souls.

Is it truly one big soul divided amongst each living thing?  Individual souls?

I am not absolutely sure of very many things, but those I am are:

  1. Love- blanket term for anything related to it (grace, mercy, generosity, etc.)- solves every problem when one’s heart is somehow opened.
  2. We are not just physical beings- unless you count our souls as physical, which I do.  There are plenty of things our eyeballs cannot perceive on a conscious level that exist despite our blindness to them.

I think those are the only things I’m sure of.

I was sure about Jesus, and as you may expect, I’ve done a lot of thinking when it comes to him.  My old argument still stands: It’s been so long and he’s not physically here now.

My new arguments stand as well, though: There’s a lot of scientific evidence of his existence, I agree with every single one of his teachings (because they ALL relate to love), I kept having spiritual experiences, namely with the bible itself, and… well I could probably come up with more reasons but it’s not even necessary, I clearly have more foundation to believe in him than not to.

The reason for my major pivot is largely due to the fact that I entered a serious relationship with someone who’s not very interested in church.  We’re basically married now, and will be publicly official some time this summer.  He believes in everything I used to and still do (minus some minor variances), except the Christian part of my faith.

I’m really glad for this.  I cannot follow blindly, and I really needed to take a step back and look at my actions.

I had begun to feel obligated toward things that weren’t truly important.  

The church I attend is awesome, and I fully support them.  In a world full of evil, this church gathers SOOOO many people who truly want to be loving and are open to learning new things.  The exact kind of people we all wanna know, as I’ve described in an earlier entry.

It doesn’t matter to me who’s right or wrong as long as we stand with Love.  All else is just detail, when it comes to how a loving god would judge.

If we don’t know for sure that Jesus is our savior, a loving god would not condemn us for questioning or denying.  He would have to understand.  That’s what a father does: Loves and directs his child the best he can, while allowing free will.

I seek truth so deeply from everything within me every single day.  It can get quite overwhelming.

I didn’t like tacking on the idea of feeling obligated to gather at the building regularly.  I’ll be going again, but I’m seeking God at all times.  It doesn’t matter where I go.  I meet many Christians when I’m out and about.  We are the temple within ourselves, and we carry the church wherever we choose.

I also didn’t feel right about the money thing.  Church leaders asked for tithes, even though I found out today that it’s not something god asked for (see the bible).  One leader even made a joke about needing money.  Something like, “There’s no money in heaven, but it sure helps down here on earth!”  I was like… are you serious right now?

How is that following God’s true law?

If money doesn’t belong in God’s kingdom, why would it ever help us here?

It doesn’t.

The only advantage to the church having more money is the fact that it’s less power given to the wrong people.  Instead of someone having spent money on extra bullshit at walmart, they gave to the church, and the money was possibly used, at worse, for helping furnish the church itself.  Rather than a drop in the bucket for someone exploiting third-world families.

Well I guess there is a third thing I know: Resources have never been the issue.  It’s always been distribution.

No lucid dreams lately, but I’ve remembered more of my dreams when I wake.  We will get there again.  And when we do, it will be amazing.

The longer it takes, the more prepared I’ll be.  Because I’ll more fully appreciate it, the longer I wait.  And I’ll truly make the most of it when it happens.  So, just whenever the time comes.

The place I’m at in this phase of my journey.

Took me a while to upload the last entry.  I typed it in Word when I didn’t have internet.  Took laptop to work today.  Finally got it up and time-stamped and now it’s been 2 more months since I last wrote an entry, so it’s a good time to update ya.

Things are ever-crazy lately.  In a great way.  Horrible things happen as well.  I am falling in love with someone at the same time that people are being fucking maimed, raped, and killed in Aleppo.  I’d never even heard of Aleppo before this catastrophe.

People ask how anyone could do such a thing.  One common explanation is evil itself.

I go to bed every night with the one I love most.  While others are losing everyone they love.

God, “evil” is not a good enough answer for most people.  Can you please explain?  Lay it out in ways that we can understand, comprehend, maybe even feel okay about?

If it’s all for reasons in direction of the good, then we pray for revelation of those reasons.

On behalf of everyone, God, I ask the answers.

Everyone has a prayer deep in their hearts even if they won’t acknowledge it.  That’s where you come in, because you know everything about us.  You know everyone’s capacity to love.

Redemption isn’t always obvious.  Many times, it appears not to exist.  Can you please explain, God?

I have a ton of evidence that shows Jesus existed and really did the things they say he did, and really never sinned, and totally came back to life after being absolutely deaddddd with a ruined heart and lung for 3 fucking days, but there’s always that bit that God knows we’re going to ask: What if you have something else to reveal to us?  I’m open to your truth, whatever it is.  No matter what I’ve learned, I’m going to be wrong about some things.  You have all the answers.

The truth lies somewhere… OR DOES IT EVEN??

Lol there’s just so much information out there.  I believe in prayer and love as king.  That’s all I know.  The most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to be wrong when you truly don’t know.  God gets it.

I have to know the truth, God.

What is going on?

What is this plane/dimension?

Why can’t I just float upwards at will?  I am dying to know, God!  I need to know the truth about our existence.

It feels strange, living in this body, being STUCK on this planet.  When you think about it, it can get claustrophobic.  That even with such vast outer space, we can ONLY be on Earth so far without taking crazy precautions and not actually living out there except for NASA research or whatever.

To know there’s so much out there, but we are confined here, and possibly have neighboring intelligent life on some faraway planet in a faraway galaxy, makes me feel sooo tiny and wondering why it’s important for us to be so fucking complex when we are MINUSCULE, UNDETECTABLE from many miles out!  As I consider these things, I wonder why we are so intricately designed.  Why it innately feels like our lives matter, even if we hate ourselves.

And to think further, and be like, what’s beyond outer space and galaxies?  What’s more that we can’t even see, unlike anything we’ve discovered so far?

What are we here for?  I feel like I’m in a living dollhouse, it’s so weird to be human and I don’t know what we are.  The bible says stuff, but of course there are details that God did not reveal to us.  He only revealed what he wants us to know.  So I am asking all these questions.

I don’t know what it’s like to be dead, or at least I am not aware that I know.  I know what it’s like to be either awake or asleep.

I’m not gonna leave you alone about it, that’s the deal- I’m going to keep bringing it up to you.  The quest for truth.  I need the answer, God.  Whether in my dreams, in real life, or combo, or something else entirely, I pray for enlightenment.  I pursue it relentlessly.  Thank you for handling that.

I’m bouncing off the walls again

100% honesty is very important to me.

I fucked up again even though I had JUST written that post about saving it for my husband.


True conviction is what I want.  What shall I do?

I must follow the spirit and not the flesh…

But how do we even know we’re doing that correctly?

So many questions about what’s cool.

Everything seems to think something different

So what’s the truth about anything/everything?

That’s what I ask, God.