Through all the thoughts I’ve had to have, some solidity is forming at the bottom of my plans to come.
I realized I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled before I try selling my car to therefore quit my job. That is because of the dental insurance that will make it possible for me to get this very necessary procedure done. I know this goes against quitting money, but I hope you’ll bear with me- this is a transitional process, and it’s a worthy way to use it. The problem of course is not money itself. It’s the way we’re using it. And I’ve been using way too much. It turns out Jesus did use money, interestingly. More on that later on in this post.
Once I’ve gotten through the most of my wisdom teeth healing- like once I’ve gotten past the risk period of getting dry socket- I can work on selling my car. Once it’s sold, I will sell my laptop and phone. Then I have things like a comfy chair, CD collection, etc that can make a little bit of money at least. I plan to use the money to put toward my debt. Pay off all I can. Once I’ve sold everything I can, I will apologize to the creditors that I will not be able to pay back right away. At least let them know upfront that I am sorry for taking what I could not repay, and give them contact info so they can reach me without my phone, and let them know of my intent to give them what I can as time goes on. I don’t know what happens when you don’t pay your bills. It’s never been me. I’ve been told you CAN just not pay them. I am adamantly against that idea, because I don’t want to take advantage of anyone. Even people who are using us the way they are. Therefore it’s important for me to let them know how sorry I am that I got myself into this mess. I will not hide from anyone. What others do is up to them.
I had a dream almost a week ago that I went down a very steep and very long slide, that came to a pointed tip, in which a short, wire antenna kind-of thing was sticking out of, maybe 3 feet tall. As I slid by that antenna, I gripped it slightly under the knuckles of my 4 left-est fingers, to slow me down just that little bit much in order to feel painless when I touched the ground with my feet. It worked.
The next night, I dreamed that I was in a slightly creepy, but brand-new building. I felt like someone was coming after me, but I was calm. I saw a brand-new metal fireman pole that led through a hole in the floor. I walked toward it, planning to descend to a way out of the building. I wasn’t scared, only a little creeped out by the feeling of people coming after me. I went down the pole, and just like the slide, it was super long and I went fast. But this felt even safer than the slide had, since I was in such control, a simple glide all the way down the fireman pole and I saw the door to the way outside. I also saw very small people- the people I’d sort of feared- walking around the area, but I just focused on the door. I walked through the doorway to the outside, where the sun was shining brightly and no one was after me anymore. I’d made it to safety.
These dreams of course were before I wrote about beginning of my no-money journey due to hitting rock bottom with my fiancee. I stayed at my parents house again the night before last, but last night, I stayed back with my fiancee. He wants to try again not to lie. It’s always stuff that it’s like, why are you even trying to lie about this, this detail doesn’t even matter. So that’s why it’s hard not let him try again: He’s like I was before I committed to not lying anymore, as a teen. But we’re 28 and 29 now. Let’s grow up right?
What I’m getting to is, he is supportive of me even without a job. He still feels he needs to get one, even though I’m continuing to tell him he doesn’t have to. His parents put a lot of pressure on him and he hasn’t had the revelation I just had. And as long as he’s trying, he has a place to stay. So I have 2 places to stay, and the people at both places want to take care of me. I have to be extremely humble in order to live like this. And it’s perfect, because I love to take care of others. I have the power to glorify it. I also have the power to blow it, but I’ve made good choices lately. The pattern is hard to break at this point.
I have sucked to the absolute fullest extent in my life. So I can only be so judgmental. Let God take care of that, right? People don’t trust him to take care of things. And it’s impossible to disagree with their stance. Because we do see innocent people being hurt every day. So what’s the answer? Is God here, all-knowing and forgiving, finding justice in child rape and all the other horrible things? We say we’ve suffered enough, and that God is in control of this. There actually is a good counter-argument to this, however. Because in addition to God knowing and creating everything, there’s the flipside of him giving us free will. We have to have the option to do the opposite of what he wants for us. We have choice. We even have the ability to inflict it on other people, because we’re all in this together. Is there redemption when a baby is raped to death? We have to ask ourselves that kind of question. Child rape is an expression of the putrid hate that exists in this world. All the confusion and misunderstood brain circuitry. Some call it Satan, some don’t believe in anything, and there are a million ideas in between. I don’t know what to call it. I just know that hate is real, just as love is. And if love can overcome, why doesn’t it every time? That’s what’s important to question. There is so much supposed unfairness. We want more answers.
People often have the argument: “We have to have balance. So we actually need the bad things in order to appreciate the good.”
I’ve always found that idea to be abhorrently incorrect. Case in point: When something good happens, we generally rejoice and hope for more of it. But most of the times that something truly bad happens to us, we are unhappy about it and try to learn something from it, but hurt and wish you weren’t experiencing it nonetheless. Never, in the middle of suffering, does someone say, “Oh I just am so glad to be feeling this way, think of the wonderful lessons I’m learning!” No, they are more like, “This fucking sucks…I’m sick of this…I wish it would just end…” We resist pain. So obviously, we do wish to learn the easy way. And often, we do, especially as we be come wise enough to learn lessons before they teach us themselves. So I don’t find the bad things necessary so much, but more so an expression of something that truly exists, and definitely needs to be handled somehow.
One thing that has been important to me lately is reading about what Jesus lived like. I need more details, he’s the inspiration to all this, real or not. I’ve had to think hard about the part that describes the way he used money. I don’t know the direct biblical reference, but I read that he used money for 2 things: To buy what was needed and to give to the poor.
I have not been good at deciding what’s needed. Giving to people is easy and almost never wrong. But I haven’t handled money well, as far as spending it on myself. I’m going to have to get smart without a typical income.
Aside from money, Jesus mostly lived on donations and the help of others, just as he gave to them. And I have seen that I have a huge support system. Without them, I could very well die with this plan. But it looks like it’s going to be very feasible actually.
So basically, those are my plans at this point, with a lot of the thoughts I’ve had in between.
I don’t know what all God has for me, but I see enough ahead already, that I feel confident in what I’m choosing to do.
This is what I’ve always wanted to do, but never realized just how much I am able to try.
I’m 29. It’s time.