I have felt unsettled. I know I am not living out God’s laws. I get so irritated and impatient. No matter the good I do. Something has been missing.
So I searched online today for, “what’s the point something is missing.” And found an article that suggests pinpointing the triggers for what makes you feel this way.
Mine came to be as follows:
- My distrust in my partner
- The reasons his actions provide for me to distrust him
- My pursuit of money- even just for survival- and utilizing it once I have it
- My lack of ability to be truly content with what I learn/believe
- My pickiness of food… pickiness in general
Next, I had to come up with what plan is required in order to fulfill the missing parts of me. The answer is easy- giving up money altogether, whatever the cost.
My distrust in my partner is something I have to let go. I love him and don’t want to leave. So I need to accept his ways- especially knowing he is constantly working on himself and makes progress daily- and move on to the other things I can actually change.
I had to pinpoint my fears over implementing my true beliefs:
- Dying of starvation
- Being cold
It is, after all, heading into winter very soon, and getting really cold outside.
What would it take to let go of money? There are other steps in the way:
- My friend’s dad co-signed for my car, and I do not want him to feel screwed over. I would have to sell the car before I give up money.
- I have steep financial debt, of which most I cannot pay if I give up income. I would have to sell my laptop and whatever else I can, to pay off as much as I can, and apologize to the lenders for what I cannot repay.
Being cold and eventually dying are what I’d have to face.
My family is very loving, and I know that many of them- notably my parents- would ask me to stay with them if I really went this far. They would try to encourage me to make money though, and I’d have to say no, and I have no idea how long they would want to keep me alive before saying I must go. And I definitely would not ask for their help, but I know they’d insist on helping me, at least at first, so that stage is inevitable.
I don’t know how long I’d live if I do this. But I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m sick of handing over dollars and cards when they don’t matter. I cannot end the cycle of money. I can only step out of it.
I have to be willing to face the consequence of death, and also the possibility of my death amounting to nothing in the public eye. Facing only God with what I’ve learned, and giving all I can until the end.
My notebooks are all here in this house. I realized recently that my story is already written. All the wisdom and all the mistakes have been recorded. I need no more.
My partner will be home soon, so I will discuss this with him then.
I’m tired of living out the life they impose on us, knowing the truth, and being too afraid to face it. I must grow out of it. Will I dare? Will I trust God and fully let myself go, and give myself to him completely?
That’s where I’m at now. Working on these questions.