Forced to face

Minor car accidents are one of those things that, when they happen to you, your plans for the day and beyond are stopped short all of a sudden.

You have the initial shock, making sure everyone’s okay.

Then you call the cops out so they can do their job, and possibly an ambulance and tow truck.

Once the accident itself is handled, and everyone has gone their separate ways from the site of the accident, you each have your own aftermath to tackle.

I’ve been in A LOT of car accidents.  Many of them were my fault, but many of them were not.  The one I was in today was my fault.

Usually I am shaken after an accident, especially ones that I caused.  But this time, I have gotten so used to dealing with them, that I didn’t get all shaky.

Also, something is really different this time, and I’m glad to see it.  This time I had the knowledge of God in me.  I didn’t let worries about money or insurance go far at all, and I didn’t hate myself for what I’d done.  I did not embellish more than one or two thoughts related to how it could have been avoided, what different choices I could have made.

Because this time, I was aware that the accident itself was not the lesson.  The aftermath would be, and I knew it.

I could “hear” God telling me: Hey.  Slow down.

The accident wasn’t caused by having driven too fast.   I was hardly moving when it happened.  It’s that I’m hasty in my life in general.

I have zero patience for people who use “a lot of words” to convey simple meanings.

I have zero patience for people who drive or walk slower than me.

I have zero patience for much of anything.  It usually feels forced when I’m patient about something.

I have neglected what’s most important to me, in order to keep up with earth’s bullshit demands.

As in, I have hardly written in my notebook lately.  I always feel overwhelmed with objects and obligations.

I have not put God at the forefront, though I think of him often.  And present a good image of God to the people I’m close to.  But God knows the truth, and he had to hit me with it.

I had thought the worst was over.  I’ve been suffering for over a week because of a staph infection, which I had a horrible allergic reaction to the antibiotics I took to treat it.  My fiancee’s mom had heart surgery yesterday.  And my fiancee severely burned his hand last week.  And in the midst of all that chaos, things were crazy at work.  I normally have lots of downtime there, but I couldn’t keep up.

So we were finally past the worst of it all by today, or so I thought, because the car accident happened today.

I hadn’t really been hearing God.  He tried all week to get me to stop and look around, but I ignored him, thinking I’d just weather the storm and get back on top once the earthly disappointments had passed.  So BAM, I am now without a car and FORCED to slow down and really look at what I’m doing.

I was laying in bed, just waiting for my fiancee (Tyler) to come home and handle all this with me.  But then I realized I didn’t wanna live like that.  I sat up for a second and then buried my face in my hands, and heard just one word in my head: “Repent.”

So I did.  I knew just what to say.  “God, I’m so sorry that I’ve been hasty.”

I was really lucky.  I have a little Honda coupe, and was rammed on the front left corner by a sizable SUV.  Hit my head on the window but nothing major.  God took my car away temporarily, but he saved my body.  I have the luxury of mulling all this over without the complications of physical impairment.  When I’m finally over the infection and allergic reaction.  I’m in a good place to assess everything… if I’d only known a car accident was to follow, perhaps I would have done this sooner, in spite of my discomfort, but my time is now.

We cannot wait for the perfect moment to evaluate what we’re doing on a moment-to-moment basis.  All time is God’s time.

It’s like when someone once told Jesus, “I want to follow you, but I have to bury my father first,” and  Jesus told him, “Let the dead bury the dead.”

It sounds so callous and wrong for him to have said that to the guy, but what we have to keep in mind is that Jesus was God- which means he didn’t take the man at face value like you or I would.  Jesus knew the man’s heart before he even spoke.  Jesus knew he would have used another reason to not follow him at that moment if it weren’t for his dad’s funeral anyway.  Thus, his seemingly unkind response.

My takeaway from that story today is: Am I going to dig the hole deeper, or will I embrace the gospel better than before?  Am I going to pretend things must be squared away before I can do what’s best, or am I going to choose what’s best FIRST?

God, I believe in the gospel no matter what.  The principles are true and they bring light to the world when executed.  The more I get into this, the more I see both sides- why not to believe, and why I’m yet more convinced that Jesus is who they say he is.

God, thank you for reminding me of what I was still able to come home to after the accident.  Thank you for helping me figure out why something felt missing.  Thank you for making it clear that I CAN and MUST slow down in order to truly breathe you in.  Thank you for giving me a huge opportunity- a huge fucking neon sign- to draw closer to you and listen.

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