Fallen faith

I don’t know how much energy I can muster for this at the moment, but it’s definitely time to update.

I lost the job I thought was going to carry me through.  Before it even happened.  I announced it to everybody because I thought it was good to go, but it wasn’t.  Back at square one.  Humiliated.

I made things worse after I found out.  I don’t even wanna get into it.  But I feel so worthless right now.  I’m leaning on people who love me and have good advice.  But right now, I just feel so empty.  Unprepared to take on any suggestions.

It’s time to rest, I know.  I was crying all night.  No sleep really.  I have no fucking clue what to say right now.  If I didn’t know better, I would think everything’s ruined.

But I’m not the only one who suffered yesterday.  My friend took me out for drinks to cheer me up, which was fine.  But I encountered a girl crying to the police.  Someone had robbed her at gunpoint.  Her husband showed up and they immediately embraced each other.

Then I watched my friend’s romantic relationship dissolve.  She always says how great an arrangement it is, but I witness this stuff with her from time to time and I don’t think it’s that great.  All these things compounding each other in one night.  We had a terrible time together, consoling each other- mostly her consoling me though, because I was sobbing deeply.

Today I feel so ridiculously broken, as if I can’t go on.  I skipped family night last night because I’d just heard the news, and couldn’t bear to face my family.

God, what is happening?  When will the suffering end?  If this isn’t what you want for your children, can you please fast-forward to your ultimate plan?

I genuinely believe, no matter what, that all is fair and works out the correct way in the end.  Even if it ends with me suffering.  I hate to think that I’m not worthy of grace or redemption, but I accept it if that’s the case.

It is true, we live in a fallen world.

At the hands of Satan?  Or is that all a fable?  I want the truth, God.  I’m so tired.  I gave my all.  It all blew up in my face.  Is it because the world is ruled by Satan?  Is it because I didn’t truly give myself to you?  It is because shit just happens?

Is there a bigger plan at hand?  I haven’t felt like this in so long.  It is absolutely devastating to feel like this.  And unless there’s good meaning for it, I don’t see why I shouldn’t just kill myself.  No meaning.  My nephews anchor me.  But what if nothing is real?  I’m so scared.  I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing.

I thought it was all laid out, God.  Everything was perfect.  It’s in shambles now.

I want to think you’re taking care of everything.  But I don’t know if you are.

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