I cannot help but notice that my life has really fallen into place, gradually, with increasing momentum, ever since I 1) Began to draw close to God through Christian study, and 2) Began truly giving myself to him.
And why does it work? That question remains unanswered, but I shall continue searching.
Before all this began, my life was quite broken. If you recall, I was living at my boyfriend’s house and felt unsettled. Things weren’t great. I wasn’t completely lost, though- I was walking the first steps of rebuilding my professional platform. I’d finally gotten a job after being fired twice in a row for total bullshit. It was a pizza place, but hey, they made me a manager before too long, and that looks great on a resume, no matter the establishment. So I was feeling grateful for the new, strong start. And I adored my nephews, who I wanted to set a good example for. But I was in a relationship with someone I should have never been with, let alone moved in with. And that definitely takes a toll on one’s state of mind. I knew things needed to change but I wasn’t sure what to do.
That message from Sarah, inviting me to a bible study, changed everything. The distance between me and my boyfriend grew. It was easier to face the fact that he wasn’t good for me. Also, he wanted nothing to do with what I was learning from bible study, even though my belief system hadn’t changed much yet. It hurt that he only wanted from me what benefited him, and those demands weren’t high at all. He was fine going more than a week without really spending time with me, even though I lived with him. So I was left feeling single most of the time. I moved out after I’d been going to church for a few months. But I’m an idiot, so he drew me back in as his girlfriend a couple months later. It wasn’t until I caught him looking at porn after I’d fallen asleep on his couch for a short time one night, that I knew I had to leave him and never return. That was the final straw. A totally unnecessary one, since I’d known for a long time that he wasn’t right for me. Why did I stay? Not worth getting into- I need to stay on track with the purpose of this website.
The point is, I was in a very broken relationship with someone I shouldn’t have been with in the first place, and at the same time, trying to build up my career status to a place where I could take care of myself again. And that’s a slow process. I still live with my parents, where I moved to after leaving that guy. But now I can see where I’m headed, and it blows me away!!
That’s because it wasn’t until I’d gotten seriously involved with church that BIG changes started happening. Not just a new job, not just leaving a toxic relationship, not just trusting that the universe is fair in the end, not just making new friends, but far greater than my expectations have been for a long time!
1) I made AMAZING new friends, people who are on the same path as me, who want to continually seek God and feel grateful for blessings. I am surrounded by them now.
2) A beautiful professional opportunity came to me six months ago, for a company that I’ve wanted to join for years. Every single day, my supervisor reminds me what a wonderful job I do. After being fired twice in a row and starting from scratch, this new place is such a huge surprise, and being simply hired by this great company was amazing enough. So to be one of their very best workers after such a short time is something I couldn’t have possibly had the gall to ask for. I’ve worked just as hard at other places, only to be fired, and disrespected along the way. I can’t help but notice this job came after I’d been seeking God hardcore for a year. The way they treat me is so much different than I’m used to.
3) The closer I draw to what I learn about God and Jesus, the happier I’ve been. My mom knows what a bitch I can be. She says she sees a big change in me. That I’m surrounded by positive energy. This is new for me, for I used to be very hateful deep down. The black cloud that used to always linger is rapidly dissipating. I feel so much lighter. I feel like a new person.
All that being said, while I notice that it all appears to be in line with the fact that I’m drawing closer to God and what he wants for me, the question of WHY remains unanswered. My life feels so different, but why? Is it because of Jesus or because that’s just how nature works?
As for new lucid dreams, I have a couple stories there. I’ve been planning what I’ll do right before I go to bed, what I’ll do if I become lucid. I did that just a couple times, and it worked.
The first plan I made was to sit down when I realize I’m lucid, and reach out to God. Before I fell asleep that night, I made that plan. And it worked. I realized I was dreaming at some point, and I sat down indian-style, and said, “I won’t give up on you, God.” As in, I won’t give up finding the truth. That’s all I dreamed on that one. So I didn’t get far, but to follow through on my plan was a huge accomplishment.
The second plan was… okay this is a little harder to explain. But the very first lucid dream I ever took control of, which I’ve described before, the grim reaper in the mirror in front of me held out something beautiful right before I forced myself to wake up out of fear for what I’d see. Something psychedelically beautiful in her skeleton hands. My skeleton hands, for I saw them in a mirror. At a concert some months back with the mean guy that I couldn’t move on from (not the one I lived with), I looked at my hands at some point, appreciating their artistry and miraculousness, and the mean guy said, “Don’t look at your hands.” It’s almost as if, looking back, that Satan did not want me to focus on the greatness at hand. Get it? At hand? Hahaha. Anyway, so that was my new plan for my next lucid dream: I would look down at my hands and say, “I will not be the grim reaper.” For I will no longer lead myself to destruction. That night, I came so close to doing it. I became lucid and remembered my plan, but I deviated a bit. A childhood schoolmate was standing there, and I said, “Let’s do it together!” and reached out for his hands, but then the dream ended. I shoulda just looked down at my hands and done it myself. Maybe another time.
So yeah. The big question is, why are things so much better? Jesus or Mother Nature?
We shall see.