No more fear

I have found more barriers to writing in here.  I am concerned with making sure I make it clear where I’ve been and why I think what I think.  In just jumping to what’s going on at the moment, I fear that it will seem foundation-less, like I haven’t explained myself well enough yet to just dive into the moment.

Well, I’ve realized tonight that even if I did lay out everything that got me to where I am, there will be room for doubt and skepticism.  And if I am so concerned with telling the whole story before I get to the present moment, I will continue keeping myself from just being honest about where I am right now.

Perhaps the blank spaces will be filled in as I go.  So, no more fear or apprehension.

Some of the things I say will possibly sound silly.  Unreal.  Explainable by conventional means.  La-la land stuff.  But now I’m not going to worry about that.  This blog isn’t just for other people to read, anyway.  It’s between me and God.  So that’s all I’m going to concern myself with, at least try to.

I thought I’d told the whole story already.  But each time lately that I’ve wanted to share the crazy new things that have happened, I’m like… well, I didn’t explain enough about my past yet to get into THIS story.  So that mentality has held me back.

But like I said, no more of that.  I’ll just fill in spaces as I go, the best I can- without sacrificing anything I want to share, even if there are seemingly big holes in my logic.

So here’s day one of just putting it out there, regardless of whether you can trust me yet.

I’ll put my current testimony into a nutshell to make myself feel better:

I believe in forces, whatever they are, and I don’t know how to define them other than my experience with them.  I’ve always believed that the supposed ways of Jesus are the best ways, even though I fail time and time again to live up to those standards.  And I’m at a point in my life where I truly want to follow those ways, even if it’s really hard to do.  Jesus’s example is amazing, and the world would be so perfect if we all were like him, but we’re not.  And lots of us are not trying to.  For me, it’s not about looking up to him as God.  It’s about my innate feeling that the messages that supposedly came from him are the TRUTH about the world.  LOVE can hold us all together.  NEGATIVITY drives us apart, in all its forms.  It’s LOVE that heals, and that is the message of Jesus.  My whole life, I didn’t care whether he existed, I didn’t care to find out, I just liked what he supposedly stood for.  Whoever wrote that stuff down, if it wasn’t true, is so amazing and it’s what I really feel about the world.  But now I’m at a point where, since I’m surrounded by Christians, that I want to KNOW for sure.  I want to be able to say I’m sure one way or the other.  And I’m going to find out the truth.  It’s what I live for now.  I’m not sure what will become of my life once I figure it out.  But I’m working to clear away all distractions as best I can so I can focus on this goal.


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