Yesterday I experienced one of those things that seem too perfectly orchestrated for some sort of intelligent design not to exist.
Fate is something I have not fully defined. I feel like it’s a combination of free will and planned occurrence. Whatever it is, I feel that when perfect design is in your face, and you feel like something was set up on purpose, that is evidence of whatever fate is.
So here’s yesterday’s fateful story:
Some time over the week, I bought a memory foam mattress topper from the mall, which is 15 minutes away from home. I needed one immediately, so when the cashier said they will be 50% off starting on Friday, I still bought it. She said I could bring my receipt in later to receive the discount still. Awesome.
I couldn’t make it there until yesterday, Saturday, because on Friday, I had an outing planned with my friend Matt. When I was with him, one of the things I told him about was the girl who used to be my best friend. I told him vaguely how I ended up having to let go of her for good. The way I told the story almost made it sound like we had been lovers, as “our song” came on in the car and that’s how the topic came up. I clarified that we were just really close and so there was a song we considered to be ours. The final line in that song is, “…and know that I don’t hate you, and know that I don’t wanna fight you, and know I’ll always love you, but right now, I just don’t.”
The next day, I was ready to head to the mall. I took the receipt out of my bread box (I don’t use it for bread) and walked downstairs. I sifted through the mail real quick to see if my paycheck had arrived. It hadn’t. I went to the car and drove to the mall. I didn’t realize that I’d left my receipt on the kitchen table when I’d detoured to check the mail. So I’m at the mall, having driven those 15 minutes, was standing in line, and decided to have my receipt out and ready since my turn was about to arrive. The receipt wasn’t there. I was like, what the hell, I know I took it out of the bread box. I wouldn’t have done anything with it besides put it in my pocket or purse. But it wasn’t there. I searched the car. Not there. I remembered sifting through the mail and was like, it’s probably there on the table, though I don’t remember setting it down.
I started the 15-minute drive home. This kind of thing can be irritating you know. Wasted half-hour round trip. But I’m trying to see things from a higher perspective. So I told myself, It’s all for the ultimate betterment, even the bad things. I willed myself to enjoy the drive home. I liked singing along to music and not getting pissed off that I was “wasting time” and resources. Sure enough, the receipt was on the table. I drove back and enjoyed that drive too, just sinking into my music and trusting God/life. Got back to the mall, redeemed my discount. When I’d first been at the mall, I’d considered going shopping, but this time, I was over that idea. I decided to get my hair trimmed at the salon that’s in the mall, even though my usual stylist was booked. I’d waited too long for it and decided to just let someone else do it this time.
The new stylist trimmed my hair very nicely, and I officially now trusted another person to trim my hair. I left happy and walked through a department store to get back to my part of the parking lot.
Not far from the exit was the men’s clothing section. Browsing certain items there was none other than the ex-best friend I’d just told Matt about the night before.
Something to understand about this girl: I’d had to drop her many times in my life for the way she either treated or ignored me, and she’d always come back with sweetness and promises to be a better friend. But ultimately she’d prove herself to not really be there for me, and I’d let her go again. I haven’t seen her in… man, I don’t even know anymore, but it’s been many, many months. No regrets in that decision.
So when I saw her there, her face turned to my direction, and she saw me. I usually smile at strangers that look at me. But I simply maintained a pleasant face and kept walking.
The last communication we’d had, through a Facebook message, she told me that I seemed like I was on drugs the last few times she’d seen me. She’d sent this message after I’d blocked her from my phone. (It wasn’t immediate; it took a few weeks or something for her to reach out on the Internet.) I barely had a response for her because it wasn’t worth it since I wasn’t going to try to be friends again. But in my head I was like, Yeah it really seems like you care, since you waited ’til now to say something with a hateful approach, and not with love when you actually thought it was happening. I hadn’t been doing drugs, and was simply exhausted from the manual labor job I’d had at the time, and love-drunk over my new boyfriend Jacob. That’s the only way I can explain why she thought something was wrong. It was a difficult time that she didn’t bother to address until she just wanted to make me feel bad through an impersonal Facebook message. So it was nice to walk by her with my freshly-trimmed hair, clean clothes, and the aura of someone who definitely is taking care of themselves.
Someone else I had to let go, much more recently, is that guy Jacob that I’d been love-drunk over. It was the same deal as her, where he’d treat me like shit and then come back with such sweetness to lure me back in.
When I walked by the girl, I didn’t look back or change my step. I simply thought to myself, I need to be able to walk by like this when I see Jacob.
If it weren’t for accidentally leaving my receipt at home and choosing to get my hair done instead of shop around, who knows if I would have seen her and learned that I can just walk on by? I’d just talked about her the night before!! Perfect timing, as she usually shops at Goodwill and Kohl’s, so it was pretty out of place to see her not only at the mall, but in the department store that I always walk through to get to my car when I’m at the mall, right along the route I take to the exit and not in some other area of the store. I remembered my sentiment, that every little thing that happens has purpose, even the bad things, and was glad the moment had been orchestrated, because it really was time to face her and realize that I CAN just walk on by and not look back.
And now I need to be able to do that when I see Jacob.
So you can see this blog won’t just be about finding God. It will also be about my personal and spiritual development, because it all ties together, and I am learning the role God has in our lives. I am thankful for having the wisdom to remain patient and for the fateful encounter with that girl. The question now is if I can apply the same principle the next time I see that mean guy that makes my knees fucking weak for him.