Making progress

Getting closer to my life without money.  It’s a transitional phase, and I’m not fully feeling it yet since I’m still tied to my job and therefore have money flowing still.  But that will end soon and I’m working hard to reach that point.

My wisdom teeth extraction went well, so we will be posting my car for sale this weekend.

In addition, I got tested for STD’s yesterday.  My fiance is getting tested on Monday.  We have been afraid to do this.  It’s technically necessary each time you get involved with someone new, but I just trusted the situation when we got together because it always goes well… out of all the guys I’ve been with, nothing bad ever happened, as far as diseases go.  I’ve been extremely fortunate.  But I didn’t know that HE was NOT.

He contracted HPV a couple years ago and gave it to someone.  He ultimately continued to ignore the problem and not warn future partners.  He wanted to believe it would go away, since it usually does eventually, and he had no symptoms ever.  He didn’t realize- or at least did not research enough to learn- that men usually don’t have symptoms.  There’s not even a test for males when it comes to HPV.  He was living day-by-day, not thinking he would live all that long, and hated his life.  He wasn’t thinking much of his future because it already looked so bleak.  My emergence has changed all that, but he’s still getting used to the idea that life really does go on, and that he needs to prepare for what’s coming.  This is why I didn’t know in the beginning.  And that is my fault- I didn’t ask about STD’s before we had sex.  I am understanding of why he didn’t tell me.  He feels awful after realizing the mistake he made.

Doctor didn’t know yesterday that I wanted a pap smear- the only way to test for HPV- and didn’t have time for it.  And has vacation next week.  So I’m scheduled for the Monday after next to get that done.  I should see test results for the blood and urine before then.  Eager to know what’s next, but I can only wait. And my fiance’s STD test is this coming Monday, so we will learn about that soon as well.  He was also exposed to Hep C in the past couple years, but apparently that is hard to catch through sex.  She got it from a needle… ugh.  So yeah, we will find out about that through the blood tests, and at least that one is curable- if it hasn’t ravaged us enough already.

So there is some fear here, but at least the initial testing is almost complete.  All we can do is face the facts, which was scary to do, and we finally had to do it.

We decided that we can treat our potential STD’s with or without my insurance, so now that my wisdom teeth healing is going well, all I must do before quitting my job is sell my car.  We need to clean it up, do a bit of maintenance, and post it for sale this weekend.

My thoughts about God and all that- the real purpose of this website- will be revealed with a little more time.  Right now I’m explaining the physical steps that I must take.

Been going through a lot lately, it’s difficult.  But I feel solace in knowing I am truly following what I believe in, instead of settling for less like I have been for years.  My intentions have been good but I have taken it to a whole new level now.  Have to stop being afraid.  Face things.  Let go of things that do not truly serve us.

People were meant to be loved.  Things were meant to be used to help people.

Money is clearly not working.  If it were, Jesus would probably tell us to work hard to earn a lot of it.  But he didn’t.  He simply tells us what to do with it if it’s in our hands, and makes it clear that the amount doesn’t matter at all.  Like the old widow that donated just a few cents to the church, versus a lot of money donated by the rich people- Jesus said the widow gave the greater gift because it was all she had.

Money is not the answer, and I’m out to prove it.  God already took care of it, actually, from what I see.  The love in my life won’t let me go down, unless that’s meant for me.  I’m given the luxury of comfort in my time of transition- someone taking care of my basic needs while I whittle down on material things.  I am excited to get to that point, but have to get through this season first.  I will keep you updated.

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Plans in place

Through all the thoughts I’ve had to have, some solidity is forming at the bottom of my plans to come.

I realized I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled before I try selling my car to therefore quit my job.  That is because of the dental insurance that will make it possible for me to get this very necessary procedure done.  I know this goes against quitting money, but I hope you’ll bear with me- this is a transitional process, and it’s a worthy way to use it.  The problem of course is not money itself.  It’s the way we’re using it.  And I’ve been using way too much.  It turns out Jesus did use money, interestingly.  More on that later on in this post.

Once I’ve gotten through the most of my wisdom teeth healing- like once I’ve gotten past the risk period of getting dry socket- I can work on selling my car.  Once it’s sold, I will sell my laptop and phone.  Then I have things like a comfy chair, CD collection, etc that can make a little bit of money at least.  I plan to use the money to put toward my debt.  Pay off all I can.  Once I’ve sold everything I can, I will apologize to the creditors that I will not be able to pay back right away.  At least let them know upfront that I am sorry for taking what I could not repay, and give them contact info so they can reach me without my phone, and let them know of my intent to give them what I can as time goes on.  I don’t know what happens when you don’t pay your bills.  It’s never been me.  I’ve been told you CAN just not pay them.  I am adamantly against that idea, because I don’t want to take advantage of anyone.  Even people who are using us the way they are.  Therefore it’s important for me to let them know how sorry I am that I got myself into this mess.  I will not hide from anyone.  What others do is up to them.

I had a dream almost a week ago that I went down a very steep and very long slide, that came to a pointed tip, in which a short, wire antenna kind-of thing was sticking out of, maybe 3 feet tall.  As I slid by that antenna, I gripped it slightly under the knuckles of my 4 left-est fingers, to slow me down just that little bit much in order to feel painless when I touched the ground with my feet.  It worked.

The next night, I dreamed that I was in a slightly creepy, but brand-new building.  I felt like someone was coming after me, but I was calm.  I saw a brand-new metal fireman pole that led through a hole in the floor.  I walked toward it, planning to descend to a way out of the building.  I wasn’t scared, only a little creeped out by the feeling of people coming after me.  I went down the pole, and just like the slide, it was super long and I went fast.  But this felt even safer than the slide had, since I was in such control, a simple glide all the way down the fireman pole and I saw the door to the way outside.  I also saw very small people- the people I’d sort of feared- walking around the area, but I just focused on the door.  I walked through the doorway to the outside, where the sun was shining brightly and no one was after me anymore.  I’d made it to safety.

These dreams of course were before I wrote about beginning of my no-money journey due to hitting rock bottom with my fiancee.  I stayed at my parents house again the night before last, but last night, I stayed back with my fiancee.  He wants to try again not to lie.  It’s always stuff that it’s like, why are you even trying to lie about this, this detail doesn’t even matter.   So that’s why it’s hard not let him try again: He’s like I was before I committed to not lying anymore, as a teen.  But we’re 28 and 29 now.  Let’s grow up right?

What I’m getting to is, he is supportive of me even without a job.  He still feels he needs to get one, even though I’m continuing to tell him he doesn’t have to.  His parents put a lot of pressure on him and he hasn’t had the revelation I just had.  And as long as he’s trying, he has a place to stay.  So I have 2 places to stay, and the people at both places want to take care of me.  I have to be extremely humble in order to live like this.  And it’s perfect, because I love to take care of others.  I have the power to glorify it.  I also have the power to blow it, but I’ve made good choices lately.  The pattern is hard to break at this point.

I have sucked to the absolute fullest extent in my life.  So I can only be so judgmental.  Let God take care of that, right?  People don’t trust him to take care of things.  And it’s impossible to disagree with their stance.  Because we do see innocent people being hurt every day.  So what’s the answer?  Is God here, all-knowing and forgiving, finding justice in child rape and all the other horrible things?  We say we’ve suffered enough, and that God is in control of this.  There actually is a good counter-argument to this, however.  Because in addition to God knowing and creating everything, there’s the flipside of him giving us free will.  We have to have the option to do the opposite of what he wants for us.  We have choice.  We even have the ability to inflict it on other people, because we’re all in this together.  Is there redemption when a baby is raped to death?  We have to ask ourselves that kind of question.  Child rape is an expression of the putrid hate that exists in this world.  All the confusion and misunderstood brain circuitry.  Some call it Satan, some don’t believe in anything, and there are a million ideas in between.  I don’t know what to call it.  I just know that hate is real, just as love is.  And if love can overcome, why doesn’t it every time?  That’s what’s important to question.  There is so much supposed unfairness.  We want more answers.

People often have the argument: “We have to have balance.  So we actually need the bad things in order to appreciate the good.”

I’ve always found that idea to be abhorrently incorrect.  Case in point: When something good happens, we generally rejoice and hope for more of it.  But most of the times that something truly bad happens to us, we are unhappy about it and try to learn something from it, but hurt and wish you weren’t experiencing it nonetheless.  Never, in the middle of suffering, does someone say, “Oh I just am so glad to be feeling this way, think of the wonderful lessons I’m learning!”  No, they are more like, “This fucking sucks…I’m sick of this…I wish it would just end…” We resist pain.  So obviously, we do wish to learn the easy way.  And often, we do, especially as we be come wise enough to learn lessons before they teach us themselves.  So I don’t find the bad things necessary so much, but more so an expression of something that truly exists, and definitely needs to be handled somehow.

One thing that has been important to me lately is reading about what Jesus lived like.  I need more details, he’s the inspiration to all this, real or not.  I’ve had to think hard about the part that describes the way he used money.  I don’t know the direct biblical reference, but I read that he used money for 2 things: To buy what was needed and to give to the poor.

I have not been good at deciding what’s needed.  Giving to people is easy and almost never wrong.  But I haven’t handled money well, as far as spending it on myself.  I’m going to have to get smart without a typical income.

Aside from money, Jesus mostly lived on donations and the help of others, just as he gave to them.  And I have seen that I have a huge support system.  Without them, I could very well die with this plan.  But it looks like it’s going to be very feasible actually.

So basically, those are my plans at this point, with a lot of the thoughts I’ve had in between.

I don’t know what all God has for me, but I see enough ahead already, that I feel confident in what I’m choosing to do.

This is what I’ve always wanted to do, but never realized just how much I am able to try.

I’m 29.  It’s time.

 

Getting closer

More truth came out from my partner. I have hit rock bottom with him. I stayed at my parents’ house last night. Now I’m pushed to the limit and have to act.

I texted the co-signer of my car today asking what we have to do in order to sell the car. I’ve never sold one that’s under a loan before. So once I have that figured out, I’ll post it online to get what I need in order to pay off the loan.

Once I have a buyer, I will ask them to wait 2 weeks so I can fulfill my employer’s expectation of notice. Once I’m done with both those things, I will sell my laptop and my phone, and at that point, I won’t be able to update you anymore probably. So in the meantime, I’ll tell you what I can.

Once the laptop and phone are sold, I won’t have anything else left that has real monetary value. I’ll cancel all my accounts and apologize for what I cannot repay.

I’m not sure how my family will react, but I won’t expect them to help me. I know I can always sleep on my parents’ couch and eat their food. I won’t ask for it. It’s up to them how much they do to help me.

Without the honest support of the one I love, I have no fear anymore. I’m getting out of the rat race. I’ll keep you updated.

Hard decision to make

I have felt unsettled.  I know I am not living out God’s laws.  I get so irritated and impatient.  No matter the good I do.  Something has been missing.

So I searched online today for, “what’s the point something is missing.”  And found an article that suggests pinpointing the triggers for what makes you feel this way.

Mine came to be as follows:

  • My distrust in my partner
  • The reasons his actions provide for me to distrust him
  • My pursuit of money- even just for survival- and utilizing it once I have it
  • My lack of ability to be truly content with what I learn/believe
  • My pickiness of food… pickiness in general

 

Next, I had to come up with what plan is required in order to fulfill the missing parts of me.  The answer is easy- giving up money altogether, whatever the cost.

My distrust in my partner is something I have to let go.  I love him and don’t want to leave.  So I need to accept his ways- especially knowing he is constantly working on himself and makes progress daily- and move on to the other things I can actually change.

I had to pinpoint my fears over implementing my true beliefs:

  • Dying of starvation
  • Being cold

It is, after all, heading into winter very soon, and getting really cold outside.

What would it take to let go of money?  There are other steps in the way:

  • My friend’s dad co-signed for my car, and I do not want him to feel screwed over.  I would have to sell the car before I give up money.
  • I have steep financial debt, of which most I cannot pay if I give up income.  I would have to sell my laptop and whatever else I can, to pay off as much as I can, and apologize to the lenders for what I cannot repay.

Being cold and eventually dying are what I’d have to face.

My family is very loving, and I know that many of them- notably my parents- would ask me to stay with them if I really went this far.  They would try to encourage me to make money though, and I’d have to say no, and I have no idea how long they would want to keep me alive before saying I must go.  And I definitely would not ask for their help, but I know they’d insist on helping me, at least at first, so that stage is inevitable.

I don’t know how long I’d live if I do this.  But I’m tired of feeling empty.  I’m sick of handing over dollars and cards when they don’t matter.  I cannot end the cycle of money.  I can only step out of it.

I have to be willing to face the consequence of death, and also the possibility of my death amounting to nothing in the public eye.  Facing only God with what I’ve learned, and giving all I can until the end.

My notebooks are all here in this house.  I realized recently that my story is already written.  All the wisdom and all the mistakes have been recorded.  I need no more.

My partner will be home soon, so I will discuss this with him then.

I’m tired of living out the life they impose on us, knowing the truth, and being too afraid to face it.  I must grow out of it.  Will I dare?  Will I trust God and fully let myself go, and give myself to him completely?

That’s where I’m at now.  Working on these questions.

Uncomfortable truth

Once you’ve learned something, if you’re really listening, it’s impossible to un-see it.

It takes stepping out of my comfort zone in order to face what I have seen, especially since the compliance, acceptance, and ignorance of most other people makes it way too easy to stick my head in the sand.  But lately I’ve disallowed myself to simply live with the bullshit that I see.

Companies’ bottom line is always money.  You can go through the worst tragedy in the world, or have the most noble cause, but every single need you have demands a return from the crooked powers that rule this world.  Your mom died today?  Sorry, you still have to pay rent this month on top of all the horror you’re facing.  Better get your ass to work, no one cares about your feelings.  That’s what money says to me.

I genuinely believe that most people, even people we consider to be rich, don’t fully realize what’s going on, and therefore are unaware of the evil they contribute to.

Most of us will randomly say, “Yeah, this soda has high fructose corn syrup, but it tastes so good,” or, “Yeah, I know these paper plates will only be used once, but they’re so much easier and time-saving to use for the picnic.  I’ve got too much other shit to worry about today.”

All the wasted packaging, all the toxic ingredients, all the lies advertised in order to make you buy a product… they are absolutely everywhere!!  You can’t go almost anywhere without seeing it.

Many of our products are made by slave labor, including that of children.  But we continue to buy them, even after knowing the truth, because it’s difficult and more expensive to do things the proper way.

But our complacency will hurt us in the end.  Convenience will not save you, when it comes down to what’s important.

It’s like Saint Peter.  In Jesus’s final days before crucifixion, Peter lied about being Jesus’s follower so that he could take part in standing around a fire to warm up.  He was cold.  It was harder to do the right thing and tell the truth.  In the moment, it was much easier to make himself COMFORTABLE instead of being real and loving toward what he actually believed in.

I don’t want this to be my fate.  I like to think I can gain the strength to stand alone from all this.

And that’s what’s scary: Knowing how alone I will be when I stand in real truth, at the bare-bones of it all.  In the moment when it would be much easier to settle for less.

I am doing better than I was, but could always be doing better.  I stared at an aisle in the grocery store tonight, looking at different packaging from the same company.  Half the products had no special claim on them, while others had a green logo that said, “Naturally!”

Shouldn’t it have been natural already, when it’s food?  What’s really in the other package?

I became overwhelmed, staring at all the plastic wrapping and pretty labels, and told God, “You’re the only one who really gets it completely.”

I’m sharing what I know, but there’s so much more that I don’t.  Like how to stand up to all this by example.  The alternative to buying this crap is only ever buying from the local farmer’s market, and even those food sources are questionable.

Grow my own stuff then.  But the source of the seeds/bulbs/etc is going to be questionable anyway.  “And I don’t have time LOL,” says most everyone.

The least I can do is continue to talk about it.  The momentum builds, the more I force myself to face the facts.  And I know something big is happening.  I want to be part of the force that is good.  God, I want the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Breaking it down

There’s a lot of evidence of Jesus having actually existed.  And I have lots of moments that feel supernatural to me and show me that I’m on the right track somehow, even if I’m not seeing it clearly.  I used to feel strongly that I need to determine one way or the other whether he existed and whether he is God.  At this point, though, that goal has shifted.  As if I’m realizing that the learning experience is never what we expect.

Walking around town tonight, I concluded a few things aloud: There is always a contrary statement to anything we can possibly say, when it comes down to small details.  And it can be hard to decide what’s truly best since the right answer for one person can be different for another, yet still be correct.

Upon thinking that, I reasoned that there is still something all these details come down to, behind the scenes, in the deepest sense: Love is the only thing that saves someone from darkness, in whatever form it manifests, big or small, even if only from within yourself.  Hate, when present, will always seek to destroy.  These 2 things are undeniable in my eyes.

Those 2 conclusions are in line with what Jesus says.  And still I cannot disagree with anything he said.

No matter what the truth about his supposed life is, I still stand by all the teachings.  They work in real time.  They make me stronger.  Not because I’m truly strong, but because I let strength in, in a way I always spoke of and wanted, but usually felt powerless to absorb.  It was all talk- letting the wisdom flow from me without seeing it applying to me, just believing in the principles anyway- and I couldn’t see what I was doing to prevent the blessings I needed.  It wasn’t money or beauty I needed.  There’s a sense of peace and understanding that has moved through me somehow and changed the way I approach this life, with enough time and patience to see the fruits of my latest labors.

Whatever this is, it works to clarify truth for me, even with all the additional questions that mount.

The more I’ve let this take me over, the more I see God being like- “Hey, look, here’s something you need to see as well, and I know you have wanted to see this.”  Like I’m in tune with some fundamental truths about what’s going on in my life and I am not left in the dark.  I am pointed to the truth constantly, in closer intervals all the time.

Something is happening, whatever it is, and I like it.

Random revelation today

The human body is limited, and the spiritual body is unlimited.  This is our great struggle between knowing we can do anything and everything, yet knowing we somehow cannot.  But think of what we could accomplish if the meaning behind everything became more important than paying taxes.  If we consciously utilize the spiritual side to guide the human side.  If we would focus so hard in this venture that evil can be overcome more easily.  To eventual eradication.  It sounds far-fetched, but if no one ever dreams it, it probably won’t ever happen.  So here’s to that idea.