Been working out the last changes before I can be done with my job for good. This is my last week here at the call center.
People have been asking what my plans are. It has been an uncomfortable question to answer. I fear backlash and lack of support, due to the fact that people don’t have faith in what Jesus has to say about what we’re supposed to do here.
One of my friends who asked about my plan told me, “You have a way of being very vague.” I don’t intend to be vague, I simply don’t know what God has for me. I’m just following what I see to be his word. Faith, love, and holiness- BAM, that’s all we need in the world. But since we don’t have faith in these virtues, it’s easy for others to believe I haven’t thought about this enough or that my plan is not solid. I have had to stay patient, listening, and calmly responding. Which is difficult for me, especially when my decision-making skills are in question.
Anything can change in the blink of an eye. All the plans we’re making… saving money for a house… attending years of college… can become null and void all because of your environment. What continues to stand in those situations? All your wisdom and love. Those are sustaining forces. This is why I don’t fear.
I just got married at the courthouse yesterday, and it was awesome. On the same day… out of all the days I’ve been with my husband for the past year and a half and him never getting such an upfront advance… some girl sends him a message on Facebook, saying simply, “I should have fucked you at [insert event here] last year… just saying.” (Said event occurred a couple months before we met.)
We had just gotten married hours before her message came through. Clearly, temptation had come quickly to try and hit his weak spots, as this is someone he would have been interested in if not for me. And if it were not for me, he would not resisted her desperate advance, because he was desperate himself back then to have someone to love.
Glory to God- this was temptation alone, and he did not sin. He pushed her advance far away, right away.
Oh, the joys of not being on social media anymore myself- no one had easy access to me. I was with God and my husband, and heard from no one trying to reel me into the wrong path.
I teared up with gratefulness that my husband was committed from the beginning. Fear had struck my heart, but he showed me that there was nothing to fear.
Just this one more week at the call center. Perhaps it wasn’t quite time to update, but I wanted to write at least one more time before I’m able to stand in the middle of my house and ask, “Okay God, what now?”
Because all I want is what he wants. He brought me here. To these great days of understanding and wanting to learn more and more. To a husband that wants to listen to God too.
We had an interesting time at church last week. Before we headed up there that morning, I told my fiance that I knew something important was going to happen at this one. That even if it’s not the sermon, I just knew something truly marking would happen. And it did:
While we walked around, getting coffee before service, we saw some young girl walking down the stairs ahead of us, showing off her brand-new foot tattoo to random friends, simply pointing it out to them excitedly, and barely taking in their happy reaction before running off, looking prideful and for someone else to share her news with. I didn’t think too much of it, though I recognized the poor attitude she brought to church, acting like she’s so special because of getting a tattoo, and not taking the time to appreciate her friends’ reactions after having made sure to get their attention on it. It’s whatever, right? All kinds of people go to church, and we’re all idiots in our own ways.
Just minutes later, when service began, one of the lead singers appeared to be none other than this prideful girl, now suddenly lifting her arm in praise, singing in a beautiful, cooing voice, sounding like she’s so devoted to God. It was really hard to take her seriously after having watched her so blatantly flaunt her physical beauty to others.
My then-fiance noticed the same thing. He recognized her as that girl showing off just a few minutes ago. The spiritually-immature part of me said, “You can’t even enjoy this opening service or appreciate her praise, because you know about her hypocrisy.”
But I’ve become aware enough to know better, and to remember instantly that it says in the bible, not quote-for-quote but generally enough:
The same thing that will strengthen faith in one person’s heart, will harden the heart of someone who doesn’t believe.
It makes perfect sense: I was very much tempted to scoff at this girl for being so blatantly hypocritical, and not be able to enjoy her contribution to the service. Yet since I KNEW something BETTER, I was able to stop myself and remember: We are all hypocrites in some way. I sure indeed am one of the hypocrites. Even though not in this moment that she is. I am no better, and I cannot judge her for being as stupid as I have been.
If my ability to be faithful is not hindered by my past mistakes, then I must give her the same space to become more faithful in her own time as well.
It was a great thing to realize in the moment that I was able to overcome my own temptation to hate, simply by remembering that I’ve been in that girl’s shoes before, and cannot pretend to be any better just because I sin differently.
One thing from the beginning of this website still stands perfectly true, and is even much more solid than before: As long as you believe in love, the answers will come to you.