Not sure if I’ll write in here again

I wrote something to put in here today, and will post it below, but first, I need to let you know that I’m considering letting go of this website.  It eventually could draw unwanted attention.  Right now I have a humble audience and that is good.  Thank you for all the reading you’ve done here.

Here’s what I wrote to post today:

 

 

One of the miracles of the faith I’ve found myself in is when I find any certain premonition of mine to be true, and even more than that, when I know it’s true before it’s proven.  In the initial moment of the thought occurring to me.  I’ve never been so in touch with truth before, and this new instinct has been growing for a few years now, to the point that I definitely notice the difference.  I didn’t know these completing circles were truly possible for me, and that is why I consider those instances to be miracles.  If squandered, this ability will leave me.  It’s no accident that I’ve arrived here.

I am so eager for others to see the truth, and determined to show them through me, that it exists, that my will backfires in those moments.

Because even my actions alone do not prove anything to an outsider.  It’s whatever they see to be my fruits.  I cannot take on the burden of being the only one in the room with an answer.  I am merely a vessel, just like them, with the ability to become inspired, and we all share a deep-rooted longing for love.  So how can we lose if the right miracle happens for each individual?  The one that breaks down certain walls, enough for everyone to realize what else there really is to do?  I am careful not to say anything that can sound like babble, but I also know how important it is not to worry about sounding crazy or naive to anyone.  I don’t want to be ruled by feelings or what looks poetic on paper.  I have to stick to truth and let that express itself in my uniquely-shaped life.

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So hard to explain

Over and over, I am encountering the fact that I sound crazy when I tell people about my idea of no one needing any money.  Of purporting a new, different future for mankind.  One where we simply take care of each other.

It’s hard for me to explain to people, and I nearly always forget to mention God, even though Jesus is my inspiration.  And I know one answer to satisfy one person won’t satisfy another.  So I can’t just come up with one quip that I feed everyone when they ask.  It’s a case-by-case basis through which I will reveal my ideas to people.

I shouldn’t be fearful.  I must remember to tell people the avenue through which they can discover the truth themselves: Jesus.  His words are what brought me here.  How much do I really need to share with people, when I can simply tell them that Jesus gave us the roadmap?  Maybe then they’d actually read about him and learn something new.  And not think it’s some fairytale idea but a solid foundation we could build upon if we so choose.

So that helps, just thinking it through, and realizing that I don’t so much have to explain MYSELF to anyone.  Just tell them about Jesus.

A couple people provided free pizza to everyone in the office today.  On a day when I really, really needed the help.  What if everyone did this, every single day?  Just give what they have?  We’d all be covered!

God, I know that a lot of people aren’t down for this idea.  But as for those who are, and just need some hope, we can build.

God, I pray for your revelation over all of us.  Whoever you are.  I believe in the power of love to heal everything, and that we simply must let it in.  That it will not force itself.  It merely knocks on the door.  I pray that you continue to feed us with the truth.  And that you use me for this grand purpose of sharing with the non-believers.  I know where they stand because that’s where I was, and I want to be a vessel for your true words.  Thank you for bringing me this far and staying by my side, backing me up, and seeing ahead.  Thank you for your spirit of absolute truth.  The world needs you.

One day holds so much

Not much has even happened yet today.  But I’m here to remind you that every day is meaningful.  You never know what it will bring.

We are so caught up in the game that is money.  Money itself is not evil, it’s just strips of cotton.  What we are doing in its name is the problem!

We strive for money rather than God.  Even if we strive for money in honest ways, it’s simply not what we should be worrying about.  Money is not necessary.  The fact that we use it to determine who should get what, is the problem.

Everyone should get what they need.  Everyone should also get what they want.  What we want, furthermore, really matters.  Shouldn’t everyone have what they want?  If anyone wants to hoard everything they can, something is seriously wrong.  It’s imbalanced.  We have to look at our desires and why they are what they are.  I’m thinking deeply about each choice I make, even if I don’t make the best decisions in a given moment.  I have to really break it all down in order to make a huge change.

I was thinking yesterday… possibly I cannot create change at all.  I am not here to create a revolution where we overcome the “evil people” and establish our own ways.  I am only here to reveal truth and help people.

The real laws of the land are naturally established, whether we follow them or not.  Nature ticks and tocks to the whim of the creator.  We can do nothing about this, though everyone tries every day.

Love is the law.  But when some people aren’t following it, we all suffer.  We all affect each other.  People don’t believe in this enough.  This is why we cannot be foolish enough to think we have made it to the top once we have a ton of money to cover us forever.  Because if one person in the world is still suffering, how can you truly be at peace?  If only one person in the world were suffering while everyone else were happy, we would be quick to help that one person and overcome their problems.  But the need for love is great, and we are tired.  The mess has become so great that it’s easier to strive for your own personal financial success and not worry too much about the others- mail some organization a check so someone can eat a bowl of rice today, and feel better about yourself.  It’s bullshit.  It’s not enough.

I apologize if this appears scatterbrained.  There is so much to say.  I have actions to perform.  Only today, Friday, and Saturday left before I am done with this call center job.  Watch what happens.

Part of me fears that people who are against this universal spiritual revelation will try to tear me down before I can make a huge difference.  So I must not worry about making a huge difference.  I am to let go of fear and do what’s right anyway.  I know where I am headed ultimately.

I was very depressed as a child and wanted to die.  Many times I asked God, “If we all have a purpose that we have to fulfill, why don’t you just tell me what mine is so I can just get it over with?  I don’t think I can stand another minute…”

So he told me, piece by piece, and continues to do so.  And the years flew by like I never knew they would.  I’m 29 now.  Something huge is at hand.

There’s no sense in staying physically comfortable when I know the truth.  I have to risk everything, knowing there’s certainty in what God has promised for us.  I’m really not risking anything.  Just have to be willing to forgo earthly pleasure.

Whatever it is God, you know I have waited for this.  I have been working for it.  That is why you gave me the knowledge that you have, and placed certain people in my life at certain times in certain ways.  I have been crafted perfectly in the way you saw fit for my purpose.

Thank you.  I will not waste this, unlike all the years that I did already.  I was scared and didn’t know, but you knew that.  And you opened my heart all the way… though I bet there is more in store.

One week left

Been working out the last changes before I can be done with my job for good.  This is my last week here at the call center.

People have been asking what my plans are.  It has been an uncomfortable question to answer.  I fear backlash and lack of support, due to the fact that people don’t have faith in what Jesus has to say about what we’re supposed to do here.

One of my friends who asked about my plan told me, “You have a way of being very vague.”  I don’t intend to be vague, I simply don’t know what God has for me.  I’m just following what I see to be his word.  Faith, love, and holiness- BAM, that’s all we need in the world.  But since we don’t have faith in these virtues, it’s easy for others to believe I haven’t thought about this enough or that my plan is not solid.  I have had to stay patient, listening, and calmly responding.  Which is difficult for me, especially when my decision-making skills are in question.

Anything can change in the blink of an eye.  All the plans we’re making… saving money for a house… attending years of college… can become null and void all because of your environment.  What continues to stand in those situations?  All your wisdom and love.  Those are sustaining forces.  This is why I don’t fear.

I just got married at the courthouse yesterday, and it was awesome.  On the same day… out of all the days I’ve been with my husband for the past year and a half and him never getting such an upfront advance… some girl sends him a message on Facebook, saying simply, “I should have fucked you at [insert event here] last year… just saying.”  (Said event occurred a couple months before we met.)

We had just gotten married hours before her message came through.  Clearly, temptation had come quickly to try and hit his weak spots, as this is someone he would have been interested in if not for me.  And if it were not for me, he would not resisted her desperate advance, because he was desperate himself back then to have someone to love.

Glory to God- this was temptation alone, and he did not sin.  He pushed her advance far away, right away.

Oh, the joys of not being on social media anymore myself- no one had easy access to me.  I was with God and my husband, and heard from no one trying to reel me into the wrong path.

I teared up with gratefulness that my husband was committed from the beginning.  Fear had struck my heart, but he showed me that there was nothing to fear.

Just this one more week at the call center.  Perhaps it wasn’t quite time to update, but I wanted to write at least one more time before I’m able to stand in the middle of my house and ask, “Okay God, what now?”

Because all I want is what he wants.  He brought me here.  To these great days of understanding and wanting to learn more and more.  To a husband that wants to listen to God too.

We had an interesting time at church last week.  Before we headed up there that morning, I told my fiance that I knew something important was going to happen at this one.  That even if it’s not the sermon, I just knew something truly marking would happen.  And it did:

While we walked around, getting coffee before service, we saw some young girl walking down the stairs ahead of us, showing off her brand-new foot tattoo to random friends, simply pointing it out to them excitedly, and barely taking in their happy reaction before running off, looking prideful and for someone else to share her news with.  I didn’t think too much of it, though I recognized the poor attitude she brought to church, acting like she’s so special because of getting a tattoo, and not taking the time to appreciate her friends’ reactions after having made sure to get their attention on it.  It’s whatever, right?  All kinds of people go to church, and we’re all idiots in our own ways.

Just minutes later, when service began, one of the lead singers appeared to be none other than this prideful girl, now suddenly lifting her arm in praise, singing in a beautiful, cooing voice, sounding like she’s so devoted to God.  It was really hard to take her seriously after having watched her so blatantly flaunt her physical beauty to others.

My then-fiance noticed the same thing.  He recognized her as that girl showing off just a few minutes ago.  The spiritually-immature part of me said, “You can’t even enjoy this opening service or appreciate her praise, because you know about her hypocrisy.”

But I’ve become aware enough to know better, and to remember instantly that it says in the bible, not quote-for-quote but generally enough:

The same thing that will strengthen faith in one person’s heart, will harden the heart of someone who doesn’t believe.

It makes perfect sense: I was very much tempted to scoff at this girl for being so blatantly hypocritical, and not be able to enjoy her contribution to the service.  Yet since I KNEW something BETTER, I was able to stop myself and remember:  We are all hypocrites in some way.  I sure indeed am one of the hypocrites.  Even though not in this moment that she is.  I am no better, and I cannot judge her for being as stupid as I have been.

If my ability to be faithful is not hindered by my past mistakes, then I must give her the same space to become more faithful in her own time as well.

It was a great thing to realize in the moment that I was able to overcome my own temptation to hate, simply by remembering that I’ve been in that girl’s shoes before, and cannot pretend to be any better just because I sin differently.

One thing from the beginning of this website still stands perfectly true, and is even much more solid than before: As long as you believe in love, the answers will come to you.

Making progress

Getting closer to my life without money.  It’s a transitional phase, and I’m not fully feeling it yet since I’m still tied to my job and therefore have money flowing still.  But that will end soon and I’m working hard to reach that point.

My wisdom teeth extraction went well, so we will be posting my car for sale this weekend.

In addition, I got tested for STD’s yesterday.  My fiance is getting tested on Monday.  We have been afraid to do this.  It’s technically necessary each time you get involved with someone new, but I just trusted the situation when we got together because it always goes well… out of all the guys I’ve been with, nothing bad ever happened, as far as diseases go.  I’ve been extremely fortunate.  But I didn’t know that HE was NOT.

He contracted HPV a couple years ago and gave it to someone.  He ultimately continued to ignore the problem and not warn future partners.  He wanted to believe it would go away, since it usually does eventually, and he had no symptoms ever.  He didn’t realize- or at least did not research enough to learn- that men usually don’t have symptoms.  There’s not even a test for males when it comes to HPV.  He was living day-by-day, not thinking he would live all that long, and hated his life.  He wasn’t thinking much of his future because it already looked so bleak.  My emergence has changed all that, but he’s still getting used to the idea that life really does go on, and that he needs to prepare for what’s coming.  This is why I didn’t know in the beginning.  And that is my fault- I didn’t ask about STD’s before we had sex.  I am understanding of why he didn’t tell me.  He feels awful after realizing the mistake he made.

Doctor didn’t know yesterday that I wanted a pap smear- the only way to test for HPV- and didn’t have time for it.  And has vacation next week.  So I’m scheduled for the Monday after next to get that done.  I should see test results for the blood and urine before then.  Eager to know what’s next, but I can only wait. And my fiance’s STD test is this coming Monday, so we will learn about that soon as well.  He was also exposed to Hep C in the past couple years, but apparently that is hard to catch through sex.  She got it from a needle… ugh.  So yeah, we will find out about that through the blood tests, and at least that one is curable- if it hasn’t ravaged us enough already.

So there is some fear here, but at least the initial testing is almost complete.  All we can do is face the facts, which was scary to do, and we finally had to do it.

We decided that we can treat our potential STD’s with or without my insurance, so now that my wisdom teeth healing is going well, all I must do before quitting my job is sell my car.  We need to clean it up, do a bit of maintenance, and post it for sale this weekend.

My thoughts about God and all that- the real purpose of this website- will be revealed with a little more time.  Right now I’m explaining the physical steps that I must take.

Been going through a lot lately, it’s difficult.  But I feel solace in knowing I am truly following what I believe in, instead of settling for less like I have been for years.  My intentions have been good but I have taken it to a whole new level now.  Have to stop being afraid.  Face things.  Let go of things that do not truly serve us.

People were meant to be loved.  Things were meant to be used to help people.

Money is clearly not working.  If it were, Jesus would probably tell us to work hard to earn a lot of it.  But he didn’t.  He simply tells us what to do with it if it’s in our hands, and makes it clear that the amount doesn’t matter at all.  Like the old widow that donated just a few cents to the church, versus a lot of money donated by the rich people- Jesus said the widow gave the greater gift because it was all she had.

Money is not the answer, and I’m out to prove it.  God already took care of it, actually, from what I see.  The love in my life won’t let me go down, unless that’s meant for me.  I’m given the luxury of comfort in my time of transition- someone taking care of my basic needs while I whittle down on material things.  I am excited to get to that point, but have to get through this season first.  I will keep you updated.

Plans in place

Through all the thoughts I’ve had to have, some solidity is forming at the bottom of my plans to come.

I realized I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled before I try selling my car to therefore quit my job.  That is because of the dental insurance that will make it possible for me to get this very necessary procedure done.  I know this goes against quitting money, but I hope you’ll bear with me- this is a transitional process, and it’s a worthy way to use it.  The problem of course is not money itself.  It’s the way we’re using it.  And I’ve been using way too much.  It turns out Jesus did use money, interestingly.  More on that later on in this post.

Once I’ve gotten through the most of my wisdom teeth healing- like once I’ve gotten past the risk period of getting dry socket- I can work on selling my car.  Once it’s sold, I will sell my laptop and phone.  Then I have things like a comfy chair, CD collection, etc that can make a little bit of money at least.  I plan to use the money to put toward my debt.  Pay off all I can.  Once I’ve sold everything I can, I will apologize to the creditors that I will not be able to pay back right away.  At least let them know upfront that I am sorry for taking what I could not repay, and give them contact info so they can reach me without my phone, and let them know of my intent to give them what I can as time goes on.  I don’t know what happens when you don’t pay your bills.  It’s never been me.  I’ve been told you CAN just not pay them.  I am adamantly against that idea, because I don’t want to take advantage of anyone.  Even people who are using us the way they are.  Therefore it’s important for me to let them know how sorry I am that I got myself into this mess.  I will not hide from anyone.  What others do is up to them.

I had a dream almost a week ago that I went down a very steep and very long slide, that came to a pointed tip, in which a short, wire antenna kind-of thing was sticking out of, maybe 3 feet tall.  As I slid by that antenna, I gripped it slightly under the knuckles of my 4 left-est fingers, to slow me down just that little bit much in order to feel painless when I touched the ground with my feet.  It worked.

The next night, I dreamed that I was in a slightly creepy, but brand-new building.  I felt like someone was coming after me, but I was calm.  I saw a brand-new metal fireman pole that led through a hole in the floor.  I walked toward it, planning to descend to a way out of the building.  I wasn’t scared, only a little creeped out by the feeling of people coming after me.  I went down the pole, and just like the slide, it was super long and I went fast.  But this felt even safer than the slide had, since I was in such control, a simple glide all the way down the fireman pole and I saw the door to the way outside.  I also saw very small people- the people I’d sort of feared- walking around the area, but I just focused on the door.  I walked through the doorway to the outside, where the sun was shining brightly and no one was after me anymore.  I’d made it to safety.

These dreams of course were before I wrote about beginning of my no-money journey due to hitting rock bottom with my fiancee.  I stayed at my parents house again the night before last, but last night, I stayed back with my fiancee.  He wants to try again not to lie.  It’s always stuff that it’s like, why are you even trying to lie about this, this detail doesn’t even matter.   So that’s why it’s hard not let him try again: He’s like I was before I committed to not lying anymore, as a teen.  But we’re 28 and 29 now.  Let’s grow up right?

What I’m getting to is, he is supportive of me even without a job.  He still feels he needs to get one, even though I’m continuing to tell him he doesn’t have to.  His parents put a lot of pressure on him and he hasn’t had the revelation I just had.  And as long as he’s trying, he has a place to stay.  So I have 2 places to stay, and the people at both places want to take care of me.  I have to be extremely humble in order to live like this.  And it’s perfect, because I love to take care of others.  I have the power to glorify it.  I also have the power to blow it, but I’ve made good choices lately.  The pattern is hard to break at this point.

I have sucked to the absolute fullest extent in my life.  So I can only be so judgmental.  Let God take care of that, right?  People don’t trust him to take care of things.  And it’s impossible to disagree with their stance.  Because we do see innocent people being hurt every day.  So what’s the answer?  Is God here, all-knowing and forgiving, finding justice in child rape and all the other horrible things?  We say we’ve suffered enough, and that God is in control of this.  There actually is a good counter-argument to this, however.  Because in addition to God knowing and creating everything, there’s the flipside of him giving us free will.  We have to have the option to do the opposite of what he wants for us.  We have choice.  We even have the ability to inflict it on other people, because we’re all in this together.  Is there redemption when a baby is raped to death?  We have to ask ourselves that kind of question.  Child rape is an expression of the putrid hate that exists in this world.  All the confusion and misunderstood brain circuitry.  Some call it Satan, some don’t believe in anything, and there are a million ideas in between.  I don’t know what to call it.  I just know that hate is real, just as love is.  And if love can overcome, why doesn’t it every time?  That’s what’s important to question.  There is so much supposed unfairness.  We want more answers.

People often have the argument: “We have to have balance.  So we actually need the bad things in order to appreciate the good.”

I’ve always found that idea to be abhorrently incorrect.  Case in point: When something good happens, we generally rejoice and hope for more of it.  But most of the times that something truly bad happens to us, we are unhappy about it and try to learn something from it, but hurt and wish you weren’t experiencing it nonetheless.  Never, in the middle of suffering, does someone say, “Oh I just am so glad to be feeling this way, think of the wonderful lessons I’m learning!”  No, they are more like, “This fucking sucks…I’m sick of this…I wish it would just end…” We resist pain.  So obviously, we do wish to learn the easy way.  And often, we do, especially as we be come wise enough to learn lessons before they teach us themselves.  So I don’t find the bad things necessary so much, but more so an expression of something that truly exists, and definitely needs to be handled somehow.

One thing that has been important to me lately is reading about what Jesus lived like.  I need more details, he’s the inspiration to all this, real or not.  I’ve had to think hard about the part that describes the way he used money.  I don’t know the direct biblical reference, but I read that he used money for 2 things: To buy what was needed and to give to the poor.

I have not been good at deciding what’s needed.  Giving to people is easy and almost never wrong.  But I haven’t handled money well, as far as spending it on myself.  I’m going to have to get smart without a typical income.

Aside from money, Jesus mostly lived on donations and the help of others, just as he gave to them.  And I have seen that I have a huge support system.  Without them, I could very well die with this plan.  But it looks like it’s going to be very feasible actually.

So basically, those are my plans at this point, with a lot of the thoughts I’ve had in between.

I don’t know what all God has for me, but I see enough ahead already, that I feel confident in what I’m choosing to do.

This is what I’ve always wanted to do, but never realized just how much I am able to try.

I’m 29.  It’s time.

 

Getting closer

More truth came out from my partner. I have hit rock bottom with him. I stayed at my parents’ house last night. Now I’m pushed to the limit and have to act.

I texted the co-signer of my car today asking what we have to do in order to sell the car. I’ve never sold one that’s under a loan before. So once I have that figured out, I’ll post it online to get what I need in order to pay off the loan.

Once I have a buyer, I will ask them to wait 2 weeks so I can fulfill my employer’s expectation of notice. Once I’m done with both those things, I will sell my laptop and my phone, and at that point, I won’t be able to update you anymore probably. So in the meantime, I’ll tell you what I can.

Once the laptop and phone are sold, I won’t have anything else left that has real monetary value. I’ll cancel all my accounts and apologize for what I cannot repay.

I’m not sure how my family will react, but I won’t expect them to help me. I know I can always sleep on my parents’ couch and eat their food. I won’t ask for it. It’s up to them how much they do to help me.

Without the honest support of the one I love, I have no fear anymore. I’m getting out of the rat race. I’ll keep you updated.